What you'll learn in this article:
- A complete beginners guide how to meet women in loud clubs and hectic environments.
- How do you do a good claw/hand-of-god/grab?
- How to open in an attractive and confident way.
- Why you don't need to be Magic Mike.
- What you absolutely should never do in a club.
Meeting women in loud, hectic environments is often the most difficult way of meeting someone.
This seems counterintuitive since bars/clubs are supposedly designed to be places to go to meet new people.
However if we look at these venues as a business it quickly becomes apparent that this isn’t the case. Humans require comfort in order to properly bond and not feel awkward.
Loud music and tons of distractions make true comfort much harder to achieve, which makes everyone feel more awkward, and sends everyone running to the bar for some liquid courage just to feel “normal” in the club.
The club makes money, you go home frustrated or regretful, and come back next week thinking it’s what you’re supposed to do.
On the other hand, if the only reason you’re going to the bar/club in the first place is to meet women then you shouldn’t be going to them at all!
This is because it will be incongruent to your personality and you will reak of disingenuousness if you try to force yourself into a mold you don’t fit.
Let’s get started with my top 10 tips on how to meet girls in loud clubs:
Tip #1: Your Mood Above Everything
Disingenuousness = creepy and that’s how you’ll come off to people.
You’ll also be in a bad mood the whole time which obviously works against meeting someone.
If the bar/club isn’t your scene and you’re only there for sex, find a venue/event that makes you happy in itself and meet women there. Meeting women at places/events your care about has the added bonus of making all of your interactions feel more natural and easy going.
Those are called “warm” environments. The bar/club environment is often decidedly cold, just like the style of approach.
Tip #2: You Don’t Need to Be Magic Mike
To get good in the club or on the dancefloor you must actually enjoy being at the club/dancing. Your dancing skills do not have to be “Magic Mike”-level good
(unless you’re approaching a chick who is clearly making a show of her dance moves).
Most women in “Top 40” music style clubs (in the US at least) assume that the man will be the worse dancer and are happy if he makes an effort. Can you put your hands on her waist and sway back and forth in sync with her? Congrats! You’ve just impressed her!
I’m actually a pretty good dancer and I have some flashy moves. I can say from personal experience that the flashier I was and the more show I made of my dancing the fewer women approached me.
This was because they thought that I was a better dancer than them and would be annoyed at their lack of skill (confirmed by approaching girls that were staring at me but standing still). Sound familiar? But I would have totally welcomed anyone approaching me! I was dancing so flashy in the hopes of attracting someone in the first place! So don’t be concerned about your dance moves.
The more approaches you make the more dancing you will do and the better your moves will get over time. (And if it’s still a concern or you just want to improve for yourself learning to dance is inherently valuable).
Tip #3: Approach Simple & Regardless
With all that being said how do we actually approach a woman in the club?
I always tell people that my approach is the same regardless of the situation. I walk right up to the person, make it known that I’m trying to talk to them – often with body language,compliment them to show my intention, and ask if they have a boyfriend to reiterate my intention and start figuring out logistics (a “yes” answer is too much work in my opinion).
On the street this is very straightforward.
You could probably read what I wrote and just walk outside and do it right now if you didn’t have any fears.
But when applied to a hectic/loud situation how I put the words into practice changes subtly.
Tip #4: Know Your Terrain
Before getting on the dance floor, look around the perimeter of the venue for quieter spots where it would be easier to approach someone.
Usually there are little areas near the bars, pockets on the sides of the dancefloor, sometimes an outdoor patio or otherwise open area.
Hanging out in those locations trying to make eye contact with people could keep you busy all night and make life easier! It’s always more likely to go well if you’ve made eye contact first. It makes the cold approach feel less cold.
Held or repeated eye contact is a clear invitation to approach and usually the best signal you’ll get from a woman in public.
Tip #5: Work From A Basepoint
One of my favourite tricks on my lazier nights is to simply dress well, put myself in a really good mood, order myself a drink to sip slowly at the bar, lean against said bar and smile at everyone coming up to get a drink.
The women who smile back, I talk to.
Tip #6: Use The Club’s Energy
If the next suggestion feels too forward for your personality the above suggestions work very well, and are often better for finding women willing to meet you on another night (an actual date).
The following suggestion works best on women who are already open to meeting someone – and potentially getting physical – that night. Neither is better or worse than the other and a single person can be both so don’t judge and just decide which is more your style that evening.
Ok, you’ve done a few laps and the place is jam packed.
You can barely move let alone approach a woman in any way that gives her a heads-up to your intentions. And maybe you’re short like me so the tall-guy trick of craning your head over her shoulder to get the eye contact isn’t gonna work for you (but fuck you tall people, that’s a pretty sweet ability).
Most guys make the mistake of giving up entirely on trying to get the girls attention first and just run up behind her and start grinding.
This tends to frighten women as well as make you appear like a totally un-calibrated ass. In some instances, it may even be construed as assault (though you’d have to take it pretty far for that to happen in a dance club where people touching each other is expected).
This is where context becomes very important. Whenever you’re touching another person you have to assess how likely it is that they will feel threatened.
In the context of a dance club and under our current culture of sexualized dancing (as opposed to say, the waltz) it’s pretty safe to assume that a light touch on someone’s hand, arm, or shoulder is well within the realm of acceptable behaviour, especially if a touch is required to get the other person’s attention.
Tip #7: Don’t Be A Sheep – Be A Bull
Now imagine yourself in the loud club running up to a chick and tapping her on the shoulder to ask for a dance. Did you just feel super awkward? That’s because it is!
Because the soft, gentle ask is incongruent to the loud, crazy environment. An unconfident and sheepish manoeuvre like tapping or nudging or tugging on someone doesn’t do you any favours and is more often than not misunderstood, misheard, or doesn’t register at all.
A move like this would work in a lower energy environment where your every move isn’t so closely tied to your sexuality like it is at the club. But under the disco balls and thumping bass we need to act with a little more bravado simply to be noticed at all.
Fortunately, performing the following move correctly has the double benefit of not only being easy to do, it will save you dramatic amounts of time!
To say it simply: Grab her by the arm, look her in the eye, and smile. This assumes you’ve handled your approach anxiety.
If you’re on the dance floor and she smiles back, start dancing with her.
Otherwise talk to her and try to get her to follow you definitively on to the floor if you want to dance, or into a quieter spot if you want to talk.
Tip #8: Never Chase Her – Maker Her Chase You
Something to keep in mind: If she won’t follow you, she won’t… uh… “fraternize” with you, so let her go unless she stops to talk to you.
(This doesn’t apply to situations where you’re already standing with your friends and you stop her as she passes bye. In that instance each moment she spends talking to you is an indicator of interest.)
Tip #9: Use A Hand Of God – A.K.A. The Grab
To add a lot more detail let’s first define “grab“. The grab component of this will decide if you sink or swim. Like I said before, if she feels at all threatened you’re instantly done.
Maybe some of you are reading this and thinking “well why bother?” because of all the recent sentiment over catcalling and public approaches.
Maybe you feel like society atlarge is against talking to strangers. I assure you this is not true (go see for yourself!). Human beings evolved to be social creatures and human reactions are context-dependant.
If you grab a stranger’s arm on the street it’s going to scare them for sure! But in a loud club where you can’t take a step without rubbing up against 4 other people it’s unlikely to upset anyone. However, there are still some people that will take offense to any touch whatsoever. If you encounter someone like that apologize quickly and move on.
When we’re reaching for people we don’t know, we want to grab them the exact same way that we would grab the arm of a friend we do know.
Think of the pressure you would use to get the attention of your friend when walking up behind them at the bar. This is what we’re after.
We want the following things to happen: A cute girl walks by on her way to the bathroom, she has tunnel vision for the most part – just trying to navigate around all the people, she feels someone grab her arm, her subconscious says “this is a safe-feeling-touch, see who’s it is – maybe it’s a friend”, and she turns to see your smiling face.
Now you’ve got a chance! If you’ve missed the mark and scared her it’ll be a much shorter unconscious thought process:
“Bad touch! Run!”
When she’s looking at you and has registered that you want her attention she’ll react to you. If she finds
you attractive she’ll smile. If not, she won’t, or she’ll pull away.
If she doesn’t turn to look at you at all then either she took offense to being touched and doesn’t want to acknowledge you, she’s just not in the mood to talk, you were too firm and it scared her, or you weren’t firm enough and she mistook you as bumping into her.
DO NOT follow her or re-approach!
Once you’ve crossed the line of touching a person and they make a sign of not wanting to be touched it becomes highly threatening to pursue them, not to mention beginning to cross over into the legal definition of harassment (continued unwanted and annoying actions).
Remember to live in abundance!
There will always be another girl to approach. Let her go and don’t worry about it!
When grabbing an arm, we generally grip between the shoulder and elbow.
A light touch on the elbow is a nice sign of affection later in conversation as well (if you’ve never noticed that before, keep an eye out!). I like to keep an open grip, sometimes cupping my hand with my thumb against my pointer finger so that she sorts of runs into my hand and I’m not actually grabbing at her arm. Then as she continues to walk my hand slides down her arm until I lose it at the wrist (this happens as quickly as she’s moving, I don’t try to slow her down).
This might seem like too fast of an interaction but believe me, if she wanted to stop she had plenty of time to decide. If she doesn’t stop that’s as good as “two no’s” to me and I’m on to the next one.
And look at the time you’ve saved!
By the end of the night neither of you will remember the interaction. She will not have been inconvenienced and it was too fast to really feel like rejection.
We only remember the ones we didn’t go for! Make sure to have a friendly, warm look on your face.
An inviting smile is the best advertisement.
She’s going to look at your face and faster than she can consciously control she will have a true reaction so you might as well put your best face forward!
This is also a good time to be sober so you can learn to read the reactions on people’s faces. Getting good at this can save you mountains of time as well as prevent people from deceiving you in many instances.
I’ll keep it simple for you here though: Nothing short of a big, bright smile is really worth pursuing.
Tip #10: Classify And Screen Her From The Start
A half-hearted smile is half-hearted interest. At some point it’s going to feel like you’re working for her attention and that’s not how it should feel. It should feel natural and organic and without the need for tactics or games. If you do play games or use sarcasm it should be the type that’s obviously inspired by affection and not tinged with contempt.
Those girls smile big when you meet them. Their eyes light up! They are the “Green Zone” girls that will help you have an amazing night and maybe even more!
As you might have guessed by now, this is an example of screening.
You’ll find in your dating progression that it really all comes down to screening.
What is it that you want and how best can you figure out which people will want it with you?
I used to have a method of this when I was a tactless teenage: I’d walk into a party and tell the filthiest joke I could think of. The ones who laughed became my friends, the ones who didn’t… well I didn’t see them much.
But guess how much drama and problems I had amongst friends…. not much!
Now I might have more tact but in essence I do the same things. Why should we waste time with people that don’t like us? How needy are we that we need everyone to like us? What do we have to prove?
“We shouldn’t, we’re not, and nothing!” is the answer so don’t be afraid to screen and screen hard! This is your “Beast Mode” guys.
Run around the club making sure that you’ve flashed your best smile to every girl there and I’m positive you’ll have an evening worth talking about.
Ok so she smiled at you! It’s a big smile!
You’re dancing! …Now what!?
Well, it’ll probably take care of itself but if you need a little advice….
You can wait until the next article!